Newsletter
High Performance Insights
The Marginal Edges – From Social Skills to Relational Intelligence
Hello
Welcome to the first in a new series of newsletters exploring the marginal edges,those small yet powerful shifts that set exceptional performers apart, drawing on insights from Kay Hays’ brilliant book, How to Win: Lessons in Success from the Frontline of Performance Psychology. we’ll explore relational intelligence, the process of change, psychological flexibility, recovery, and more.Today, we’re starting with an often overlooked factor when it comes to performance:the difference between social skills and relational intelligence.
Beyond Social Skills
In the relentless pursuit of success, we’re taught to focus on the skills traditionally seen as performance drivers: strategy, technical excellence, and even negotiation,often treated as a measurable “hard” skill.But high performance isn’t just about what we do. It’s also about how we relate.In How’s Work?, Esther Perel applies therapeutic insight to workplace dynamics,illustrating how trust, conflict, power, and communication aren’t just interpersonalskills, they're foundational to how teams function and how leaders lead. Her work reminds us that relational dynamics aren’t a soft afterthought, they’re central to
sustained success.And yet, in many professional settings, we’re still encouraged to rely on surface-level social skills:
Small talk at the networking event.
Eye contact in the boardroom.
Polished presentations and active listening.
These tools help us connect, but often only momentarily. They create impressions,
but not necessarily depth or trust.
Relational Intelligence: The Deeper Advantage
Relational intelligence is the nuanced, often invisible capacity to understand how relationships function beneath the surface. It’s about:
Sensing unspoken tensions or unarticulated desires.
Reading emotional cues that might be missed by logic alone.
Adapting fluidly to others’ emotional states, without losing your own centre.For example, I work with leaders to help them understand and manage passive-aggression in the workplace by understanding their sensitivities that get pressed so they can break the cycle of conflict which includes passive aggressive avoidance.Passive aggressive people want to pass on their anger so they can absolvethemselves from any wrong-doing and because they are scared of their own anger.To break these kinds of cycles, a deeper relational intelligence about what is happening between people is required.
Your Buffer Against Burnout, and Your Competitive Edge
In a competitive environment, relational intelligence is much more than a nice-to-have.It’s also your buffer against burnout, research consistently shows that positive relationships act as a powerful protective factor against stress and emotional exhaustion. A landmark meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad and colleagues (2010) demonstrated that strong social connections significantly lower the risk of stress-related health problems and improve overall resilience.It’s your secret to navigating high-stakesconflict with agility and poise.It’s your way of fostering loyalty and trust, creating the kind of connections that not only survive but thrive amidst the inevitable turbulence of high performance.
When you master relational intelligence:
You see beneath the words to the real drivers of behaviour.
You cultivate a protective layer of trust and psychological safety.
You lean into respectful conflict with a confidence and trust that it won’t break Sensing unspoken tensions or unarticulated desires.
Reading emotional cues that might be missed by logic alone.
Adapting fluidly to others’ emotional states, without losing your own centre.For example, I work with leaders to help them understand and manage passive-aggression in the workplace by understanding their sensitivities that get pressed so they can break the cycle of conflict which includes passive aggressive avoidance.Passive aggressive people want to pass on their anger so they can absolvethemselves from any wrong-doing and because they are scared of their own anger.To break these kinds of cycles, a deeper relational intelligence about what is happening between people is required.